Dahlia watched her coworker Trevor launch into another detailed story about his weekend hiking trip, completely ignoring the fact that she’d just mentioned her grandmother’s funeral. “That reminds me of this incredible trail I discovered,” he said, his eyes lighting up as he described every switchback and scenic overlook.
Her first instinct was to roll her eyes and mentally label him as another self-absorbed narcissist. But something about the way he spoke—almost desperately, like he was trying to build a bridge with the only materials he had—made her pause.
It turns out psychology research suggests Trevor might not be the egomaniac Dahlia initially thought he was.
The Hidden Psychology Behind Conversation Hijacking
When someone constantly redirects conversations back to their own experiences, our immediate reaction is often frustration or judgment. We assume they’re narcissistic, self-centered, or simply don’t care about what we have to say.
But recent psychological insights reveal a more complex truth: many of these people aren’t operating from a place of superiority or indifference. Instead, they’re functioning from a deep-seated belief that their personal experiences are the only valuable currency they possess in social exchanges.
People who constantly share their own stories aren’t necessarily trying to one-up you. They’re often trying to connect with you using the only social tool they believe they have.
— Dr. Rachel Chen, Social Psychology Researcher
This behavior stems from what psychologists call “experiential relating”—the tendency to respond to others’ situations by immediately sharing a similar personal experience. While it can feel dismissive to the listener, the speaker genuinely believes they’re offering empathy and connection.
The key difference between this pattern and true narcissism lies in the underlying motivation. Narcissists redirect conversations to feed their ego and maintain superiority. People with experiential relating habits do it because they’ve learned to view their personal stories as their primary social value.
Why Some People Default to Personal Stories
Understanding why certain individuals rely so heavily on their own experiences helps explain this frustrating communication pattern. Several psychological factors contribute to this behavior:
- Limited social skill development: Some people never learned alternative ways to show empathy or engage in conversations
- Anxiety about appearing valuable: They worry that without sharing their experiences, they have nothing interesting to contribute
- Misunderstanding connection: They genuinely believe that sharing similar experiences creates deeper bonds
- Learned family patterns: Growing up in households where story-sharing was the primary form of communication
- Fear of silence: Anxiety about conversational pauses drives them to fill gaps with familiar content
Many of these individuals would be mortified to learn that their attempts at connection are being perceived as self-centered. They’re often trying harder than anyone else to relate.
— Dr. Marcus Rivera, Clinical Psychologist
The table below illustrates the key differences between narcissistic conversation patterns and experiential relating:
| Behavior | Narcissistic Pattern | Experiential Relating |
|---|---|---|
| Motivation | Ego enhancement | Attempted connection |
| Response to feedback | Defensive or dismissive | Often receptive and surprised |
| Emotional awareness | Limited empathy for others | Genuine care, poor execution |
| Story content | Self-aggrandizing | Relatability-focused |
| Flexibility | Resistant to change | Willing to learn new approaches |
The Real Impact on Relationships
While the intentions behind experiential relating might be innocent, the impact on relationships can still be significant. Friends, family members, and colleagues often feel unheard, dismissed, or frustrated when their attempts to share are consistently redirected.
The person engaging in this behavior rarely realizes the negative effect they’re having. They may notice that people seem less interested in talking to them, but they don’t understand why their efforts to connect aren’t working.
The tragedy is that these individuals are often the most motivated to build meaningful relationships, but they’re unknowingly sabotaging their own efforts.
— Dr. Sarah Kim, Relationship Therapist
This creates a painful cycle: the more they sense social rejection, the harder they try to connect through sharing their experiences, which often pushes people further away.
However, unlike true narcissistic behavior, experiential relating can be addressed and improved with awareness and practice. Many people who recognize this pattern in themselves are eager to develop better listening and empathy skills.
The key is helping them understand that their experiences do have value, but so do other forms of connection—like asking thoughtful questions, offering emotional validation, or simply sitting with someone in their feelings without immediately jumping to relate.
Learning Better Ways to Connect
For people who recognize this pattern in themselves, developing new conversation skills takes practice but yields significant improvements in relationships. The goal isn’t to stop sharing personal experiences entirely, but to expand their toolkit for connection.
Simple changes can make a dramatic difference:
- Ask follow-up questions before sharing your own story
- Acknowledge the other person’s feelings directly
- Practice sitting with uncomfortable emotions without immediately offering solutions
- Learn to validate experiences that differ from your own
- Recognize that sometimes people need to be heard more than they need advice
Once people understand that listening can be just as valuable as sharing, they often become some of the most thoughtful communicators you’ll meet.
— Dr. James Patterson, Communication Specialist
The next time you encounter someone who constantly steers conversations back to themselves, consider the possibility that they’re not being selfish—they might just be trying to connect with the only tools they know how to use.
FAQs
How can I tell if someone is narcissistic or just using experiential relating?
Pay attention to their response when you point out the behavior and whether their stories seem designed to build connection or showcase superiority.
Is it worth trying to help someone who does this?
If they’re open to feedback and seem genuinely interested in improving their relationships, yes—they often make significant positive changes once they understand the impact.
What should I do if I recognize this pattern in myself?
Start by practicing active listening, asking more questions, and catching yourself before immediately sharing your own experiences in response to others.
Can experiential relating ever be positive?
Yes, when used appropriately and balanced with other forms of connection, sharing similar experiences can help people feel understood and less alone.
How do I respond when someone constantly redirects conversations to themselves?
Try gently redirecting back to your topic or having a compassionate conversation about communication styles when you’re both in a good headspace.
Why do some people develop this communication style?
It often stems from families or environments where sharing stories was the primary way people connected, combined with limited exposure to other empathy skills.
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